U.S. Marine Corps announces new "Geek Corps"

First published April 1, 1999.
Last modified 03-Dec-2011.


Accusations that computer games like Doom, Quake, Wolfenstein 3D and Redneck Rampage helped make 14 year old student Michael Carneal "an extraordinarily effective killer" have been met with scorn by the United States Marine Corps, which asserts that the notion is ridiculous on its face.

An USMC spokesman who contacted Dan's Data explained the situation as follows: "You don't learn to be an effective killer just by sitting in front of your damn computer pushin' some candy-ass piece of beige plastic around. Without the right equipment and the correct training, these fine games aren't going to qualify you for combat any better than Windows freakin' Solitaire.

"No sir. If you want to become an extraordinarily effective killer, you need to join the new Marine Geek Corps, where we'll take a ninety pound pencilneck and turn him into a ninety pound pencilneck that can shoot th' pips out of a playing card at three hundred yards.

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"Standard equipment is the M-6433 Assault Mouse. [pictured] Custom manufactured for the Corps by Logitech, it's got an aramid fiber composite shell, EMP-hardened electronics and 100% mil-spec actuators which absolutely will not let you down when the pucker factor is high. Coupled with the titanium-backed olive-drab Camo Edition of 3M's Precise Mousing Surface, the M-6433 represents the state of the art in accurate first-person small unit engagements.

"Of course, the best gear in the world's no darn use without adequate instruction. The Geek Corps Training Program is the toughest in the gaming world; you'll be up at dawn, jog 40 yards to your computer desk and have to clock 75 frags in Rocket Arena 2 before you're allowed your first Jolt Cola of the day, and you can just forget about goofin' off in chat rooms tryin' to figure out which one of them's really a woman because this mouse, soldier, is as much woman as you're going to see from now on!

"If you stay the distance, and that's a big IF, you'll leave Cold Boot Camp (as it's called) as the finest polygon-plinker you can be. You'll be ready for anything, even if you find yourself stuck in 320 by 200 software rendered mode on a 12 inch monochrome screen in an unheated converted warehouse and have to drink coffee dregs with dog-ends in 'em to stay alive. You'll do it, and you'll win, because the U.S. Marine Corps DOES NOT PERMIT THE ALTERNATIVE!"

When asked whether the new Geek Corps program did, in fact, teach skills transferable to genuine real-life combat, the spokesman's response was simple "Are you serious? That's what movies and Internet pornography are for!"

Give Dan some money!
(and no-one gets hurt)